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Help: I’m Anxiously Attached!

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Understanding Anxious Attachment

In the landscape of relationships, the term ‘anxiously attached’ often arises. At Kairos, we observe that individuals with an anxious-insecure attachment style can exhibit behaviors that inadvertently push their partners away. Recognizing and taking responsibility for these behaviors is crucial, but it’s equally important to understand that sometimes these symptoms are a response to an unsafe or untrustworthy relationship dynamic, a phenomenon I call “conditional anxious attachment.”

The Nature of Anxious Attachment

Recognizing the Signs

Anxious attachment often manifests as a fear of abandonment, a need for constant reassurance, and hypersensitivity to perceived relationship threats. These behaviors stem from deep-seated insecurities and a craving for closeness and validation.

The Impact on Relationships

This attachment style can create a paradoxical situation where the more one clings and seeks reassurance—out of their fear of rejection and abandonment—the more their partner may feel overwhelmed or suffocated and pull away, which then triggers the anxious partner’s fear of rejection and abandonment to come to life! And therein begins the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Taking Responsibility for Anxious Behaviors

Self-Awareness is Key

It’s vital for individuals with anxious attachment styles to recognize and take responsibility for their behaviors. This involves understanding how their actions may contribute to relationship dynamics and working on strategies to manage their anxieties more healthily.

Role of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy and marriage counseling can provide invaluable support in this process. Therapy offers a safe space to explore attachment issues, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and improve communication skills.

Conditional Anxious Attachment: A Relationship Response

Understanding the Concept

Not all anxious attachment behaviors are inherent to the individual. Sometimes, they are a response to a relationship that lacks safety and trust. This “conditional anxious attachment” arises when one’s environment triggers their insecurity and anxiety.

Signs of Conditional Anxious Attachment

This form of attachment can manifest when there’s inconsistency in a partner’s behavior, lack of emotional availability, or a breach of trust. It’s a reaction to the relationship’s dynamics rather than a deep-seated attachment style.

Creating a Safe and Trustworthy Environment

The Power of Relationship Dynamics

Changing the dynamics of the relationship can significantly alleviate symptoms of conditional anxious attachment. This involves both partners working together to create an environment of consistency, reliability, and emotional safety.

Strategies in Couples Therapy

In couples therapy, strategies like establishing trust, improving communication, and setting healthy boundaries are central to transforming the relationship into a secure and supportive space.

Moving Towards Secure Attachment

The Journey of Healing

Transitioning from anxious to secure attachment involves personal growth, self-reflection, and often, guided support from a coach or therapist. It’s about building self-esteem, learning to trust, and developing healthy relationship patterns.

The Role of Both Partners

Both partners play a role in this journey. For the anxiously attached individual, it’s about managing insecurities and building self-reliance. For their partner, it’s about understanding, patience, and consistent support.

Conclusion: Embracing a Healthier Attachment

Recognizing and addressing anxious attachment, whether inherent or conditional, is a significant step towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Understanding the nuances of your attachment style and working through them, either individually or as a couple, can transform the way you connect and bond with your partner.

If you’re grappling with issues of anxious attachment and its impact on your relationship, remember that help is available. At Kairos, we specialize in guiding individuals and couples through the complexities of attachment and relationship dynamics. Schedule a free consultation or contact us today, and let’s work together towards building a secure and loving relationship.


Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). “Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.” Guilford Press.

Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1990). “Adult attachment, working models, and relationship quality in dating couples.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(4), 644-663.

Bowlby, J. (1982). “Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment.” Basic Books.