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Help: I’m Avoidantly Attached!

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Unraveling Avoidant Attachment

In the complex world of relationships, avoidant attachment often emerges as a challenging dynamic. At Kairos, we frequently encounter individuals who struggle with this attachment style, characterized by a deep-seated belief that they cannot truly or rely on others. This belief leads to a self-sufficient yet emotionally detached approach to relationships, often resulting in a significant other feeling shut out and disconnected.

The Core of Avoidant Attachment

The Belief in Self-Reliance

At the heart of avoidant attachment lies the conviction that one must be self-sufficient. This belief is often rooted in past experiences where emotional needs were not adequately met, leading to a deep-seated notion that depending on others equates to vulnerability and potential hurt.

The Impact on Relationships

For the avoidant individual, the mantra “I can only depend on myself” governs their approach to relationships. This can manifest as emotional unavailability, a reluctance to share deeper feelings, and a tendency to maintain a certain distance, even in intimate relationships.

The Avoidant Partner in a Relationship

Perceived Guardedness

The avoidant partner often appears guarded and invulnerable, making it difficult for their partner to connect on a deeper emotional level. This can leave their partner feeling isolated and unimportant in the relationship.

The Push-Pull Dynamic

Avoidant attachment can create a push-pull dynamic in relationships. While the avoidant individual may desire closeness and intimacy, their underlying fears and beliefs often lead them to pull away when the relationship becomes too intimate or emotionally demanding.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment in Couples Therapy

Identifying the Patterns

Couples therapy offers a valuable space for identifying and understanding the patterns associated with avoidant attachment. Therapists can help individuals recognize the root causes of their attachment style and how it affects their relationships.

Developing Emotional Awareness

Part of the work in therapy involves developing greater emotional awareness and understanding. This includes learning to recognize and express emotions in healthier ways and understanding the impact of one’s behavior on their partner.

Changing the Avoidant Attachment Narrative

Building Trust and Vulnerability

In marriage counseling, couples can work together to build trust and create a safe space for vulnerability. This process involves gradual steps towards opening up and sharing more of one’s inner world with their partner.

Creating a Balanced Relationship

The goal is to move towards a more balanced relationship where both partners feel they can rely on each other without losing their sense of independence and self-sufficiency.

Conclusion: Embracing Connection and Vulnerability

Overcoming avoidant attachment is not about losing one’s independence but about finding a balance where emotional connection and self-reliance coexist harmoniously. Recognizing and addressing avoidant attachment patterns can pave the way for more fulfilling and connected relationships.

If you find yourself struggling with avoidant attachment and its impact on your relationships, remember that change is possible. At Kairos, we are here to support you through this journey. Schedule a free consultation or contact us today, and let’s explore how couples therapy can help you forge deeper, more meaningful connections.


Bowlby, J. (1982). “Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment.” Basic Books.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). “Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.” Guilford Press.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). “Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.