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What is My Attachment Style?

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Introduction: Unraveling Attachment in Relationships

Understanding your attachment style is like unlocking a door to deeper self-awareness and more fulfilling relationships. Our first bonds, typically with our parents, set the stage for how we connect with others throughout our lives. At Kairos, we explore how these early attachment wounds can re-enact themselves in our adult romantic relationships, often revealing patterns that can either hinder or enhance our connections.

Understanding Attachment Styles

The Roots of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that our early relationships with caregivers form an “attachment style” that impacts our behavior in relationships throughout our lives. These styles are broadly categorized into secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Breaking Down the Styles

  • Secure Attachment: Characterized by a positive view of oneself and others, individuals with a secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and independence.
  • Anxious Attachment: Individuals often seek high levels of intimacy but have a fear of abandonment and may display needy or clingy behavior.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Marked by a discomfort with closeness and a tendency to maintain emotional distance, avoidant individuals may seem self-sufficient and prefer independence.
  • Disorganized Attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often resulting from trauma or inconsistency in early relationships.

Attachment Wounds in Adult Relationships

Re-enacting Childhood Dynamics

Our attachment wounds, or disruptions in our early bonding experiences, don’t just fade away as we grow older; they re-emerge, influencing how we interact with romantic partners. An unmet need for validation from a parent, for instance, might translate into a constant search for approval in a partner.

The Impact on Relationship Dynamics

These re-enacted behaviors can lead to cycles of conflict, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction in relationships. Understanding your attachment style can provide insight into seemingly perplexing reactions or needs within your romantic life.

Identifying Your Attachment Style

Reflection and Self-Analysis

Identifying your attachment style involves reflecting on your past relationships and noticing patterns in your behavior. Do you find yourself pushing partners away, clinging too tightly, or feeling comfortable with closeness and independence?

Professional Assessment

A therapist or relationship coach can help you identify your attachment style through discussions and possibly standardized assessments. Understanding your attachment style is a crucial step in couples therapy or individual counseling.

Changing Attachment Patterns through Therapy

The Role of Couples Therapy

In couples therapy or marriage counseling, understanding each partner’s attachment style can be transformative. It provides a roadmap for why partners react and relate in certain ways, offering strategies for developing a more secure attachment in the relationship.

Strategies for Change

Therapy can offer tools for those with insecure attachment styles to develop more secure ways of relating. This might involve building self-esteem, learning to regulate emotions, and enhancing communication skills.

Conclusion: Embracing a Secure Connection

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling or limiting yourself. It’s about gaining insight into your relational dynamics and embarking on a journey toward healthier, more satisfying relationships. Whether you’re navigating current relationship challenges or seeking to understand yourself better, acknowledging and working through your attachment style can pave the way for more fulfilling connections.

If you’re curious about your attachment style and how it’s playing out in your relationships, Kairos is here to guide you through this journey of discovery. Schedule a free consultation or contact us today. Let’s explore your path to a secure and satisfying relationship.


Ainsworth, M.D.S., & Bell, S.M. (1970). “Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation.” Child Development, 41(1), 49-67.

Bowlby, J. (1969). “Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment.” New York: Basic Books.

Holmes, J. (2001). “The Search for the Secure Base: Attachment Theory and Psychotherapy.” London: Routledge.